Monday, January 23, 2012

Life Chronicles and a Secret

I have been addicted to journal-making lately.  In Jeanne Oliver's course that I have been taking, the first week focused on making journals from everything from vintage books to catalogs.  I haven't made any yet but I am going to. 

In the Brave Girls Club classes, you always make some type of book or journal. I have about four now in various states of completion.

I have a weekly Life Journal we are working on in Stephanie Ackerman's class where we get weekly prompts to work on.

THE HAPPINESS PROJECT encouraged me to write something down every day. I think I often feel I have to write down grandiose thoughts on each day and this prevents me from doing anything at all. I grabbed an inexpensive journal at Michael's recently and have made it a point to jot down a few sentences every day. I don't beat myself up if I miss a day or two. I try to pick out a few interesting things about the day or somethign funny Noodlebug said or did.

Journals everywhere!!!
I think this new obsession is growing out of my new biggest fear.

(deep breath)

Every since Noodlebug was born three and a half years ago, I have developed a fear of dying.  I need to be clear right now. I am not afraid of death in and of itself.  First of all, I am a Christian. (a Lutheran if that matters)  We are promised eternal life in Christ.  And I'm betting all my chips on that being true.  I hope and pray to be reunited someday with loved ones that have gone before me.   And even if I am wrong, I don't remember my life before I was born so I don't think there is much to fear about passing to the other side.

What I am afraid of is leaving behind my loved ones.  I am most afraid of something happening to me before Noodlebug is grown. I want my child to grow up with a mother.  There are things that only I can give him.

Lately, inspiring women with cancer have been crossing my path.  Especially Ashley of Lil Blue Boo who makes me laugh every single day when I read her blog and reminds me (again!!!) not to take anything in my life for granted. And to "choose joy" every single day.   I also watched this video today which got me thinking about a lot of things in my spiritual life. God is definitely trying to get my attention.

I think part of my fascination with journals lately has been a deep-seated need to chronicle who I am.  You never know when your time is up. It could be tomorrow. It could be 20 years from now.  I would like to leave these journals for my loved ones so that they have a record of who I was and what I believed. 

Hopefully, they won't need them for about fifty years or so. But they will be there.  Just in case.


Auntie Bliss said...

It is a mighty sweet gift to leave behind but I hope you aren't truly worrying about dying! That can be a load to bear :/

Seasons of Grace said...

I enjoyed reading your post! And I love journaling too. I have tons of them... good and bad... sometimes I think I should burn the ones that have my "bad times" (mostly thats a pride thing I think...I want them to only remember the good) and then again I think that if I die and someone reads them... maybe they will see that Jesus got me through and kept me going. Hoping being Lutheran means you know Jesus as your Savior and His death for us is your way to heaven. I have to practice living in the moment, enjoying each day with my kids and family, and remembering that Yes! Life is fragile and fleeting so make the most of TODAY!! Thanks for sharing.

Shelly said...

I love that you're turning your fears into something good. Our mortality became a topic of discussion for my husband and I shortly after Harper was born. We worked on life insurance, wills, guardianship, etc. I remember crying while sitting alone with her because I wanted her to know her Mama. (Ok, some of that crying was raging hormones, but still.) I didn't want her to grow up faster, but I thought there must be this invisible age threshhold that we'd cross where she would know me and not forget me if I were suddenly gone.

And then recently I went through something similar when she started preschool and was out of our sights for a few hours. I started teaching her about strangers, and my poor Mommy worrier brain took it twelve steps too far (not with her, just in my head). In the end, that fear boiled down to the same thing... I needed her to know me, remember me, and be mine.

Ok, all of that rambling is just to say, that I can relate. And you're definitely not the only one. :) HUGS!

Amy said...

Thanks for all the wonderful comments!

Shelly--You articulate so well what I feel. I knew you would understand!!! Your daughter will always have all the beautiful art that you created and that is so special!!!


MamaTea said...

AH, journals - and the need to leave behind your story. I know exactly what you're talking about! Great post! :) (Followed you over here from

Terri said...

Hello Amy,
I found you by way of the new MJF Girl Gab site. I thought I might make my way around blogland by visiting everyone on the list. Big plans!
You have a beautiful blog. And your post here is very touching.
I know exactly what you mean. My children are all grown now, but when I was first a mother, it suddenly became very important that I live a long and healthy life. I became so much more aware of the preciousness of life and my little family. Now as they are older, I still feel the strong desire to be here with them as long as possible. But I am not afraid anymore. I think time handles that one. Eventually it just eases. Thankfully : )
I am sending you "Good Mother" hugs
All is well
(I too love to journal and your project sounds fabulous)

Chidori said...

I admire your journaling. I've had many false starts at it over the years and in the end just had to admit it's not for me. Perhaps motherhood would provide me such an impetus, but I've opted out of that one, too....